You’re Just Some Carmaker That I Used to Know

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 01/08/2018 at 12:10 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire, Honda

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An Open Letter from the Honda Crosstour to Honda of America Manufacturing.

Dear Honda, I sincerely hope you are doing well. I see the new Civic Type-R is taking the press by storm, and that the revised Odyssey and Pilot are selling like hotcakes at a marijuana rally. I also see you have a new Accord, which is very handsome and understated, especially compared to Toyota’s trying-too-hard Camry.

No more speed bumps in my road to success.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help the company in my few short years there. The late 2000s were an awkward time for the industry – did people want sedans, true SUVs, minivans, or something else? This “something else” we all know today as a Crossover, and if you recall, I was one of your first real forays into this market. We couldn’t have known at the time that a lack of a third row would hurt us, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

I was able to help your CAFÉ numbers by being branded a truck, even though I was obviously a car. I saved you a small fortune by sharing most of my tooling with the rest of the Accord lineup. I was built in Ohio to save on transportation costs. You even made an Acura version of me, which allegedly only exists based on some grainy pictures from the Pacific Northwest.

I understand that the new Accord is a hatchback, too. That’s an interesting choice, especially in light of how you canceled me so abruptly in 2015. If I’m doing the math correctly, you were already working on R&D for an Accord hatchback when I got the axe. Real classy, guys. You didn’t even bother to tell me to my face. And you say that you texted me, but my lack of text-enabled infotainment is squarely on your shoulders, not mine.

So you say the Accord isn’t really a hatchback. It’s a modern sedan or whatever. Maybe it’s one of those four-door coupes that are all the rage. Guess what? Still a hatchback. And Rachel Dolezal is still a white lady.

Might I remind you that you launched me as the Accord C rosstour? Now that I see it for what it is, dropping the Accord part of the name in 2012 should have raised a lot of red flags for me. Meanwhile the Passat CC, Camry Solara, and Pathfinder Armada all got the same treatment and went on to live very productive, happy lives. Why am I being singled out like this?

No hard feelings. As the saying goes, the best revenge is living well.

His name is Jared.

My new group of friends is made up of pre-GM SAABs, the Ford Flex, Mercedes R350, Kia Rondo, Mazda MPV, Chrysler Pacifica (yeah, the old one), and a few others. We’re starting our own Island of Misfit Cars and, by the way: I’m the new boss. My first job is to say thanks, so if a little Element shows up on your doorstep with a delivery late one night, I suggest you answer it.

Herr Quattro - Has a 4-motion > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 12:15

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This was very well written and I found this very amusing.

Reminds me of something Seat Safety Switch would write :) 

Textured Soy Protein > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 12:20

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Aside from a lower ride height, all the Crosstour needed was for all the chrome to be replaced by body color and black trim.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 12:37

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Aw look it’s a Crosstour trying to look like a sedan.

Ash78, voting early and often > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 01/08/2018 at 12:39

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Nope, that’s the new Acco....whaaaaa!?!?

Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 12:54

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I thought that the Solara got the axe around 2007-08?

foghat1981 > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 13:04

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With a stick shift, there’s a decent chance I would have bought one of these!  If they made it in brown, I bet a lot of us would have been somewhat interested :)

Ash78, voting early and often > Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura 01/08/2018 at 13:13

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It did, but it sold for years as the Solara after being launched as the Camry Solara.

1967ers - lover of dead auto marques > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 13:22

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I thought the Crosstour was interesting, but no, THIS will always be the boss of that particular island :) :

Dasupersprint - base trim is enough > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 14:26

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What, the new Accord isn’t a hatch

RT > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 16:48

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The first Accord was a hatchback. It’s funny that we’ve gone full circle.

Also, did you get mixed up at the end? Pre-GM Saabs are not misfits, GM ones are.

Ash78, voting early and often > Dasupersprint - base trim is enough 01/08/2018 at 16:51

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Good call...I started drafting this almost 6 months ago when everyone thought it would be a hatch. I still honestly believed it was, and I set eyes on one just a few days ago in a showroom.

D’oh!

Ash78, voting early and often > RT 01/08/2018 at 16:51

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Old Saabs are misfits, GM Saabs are atrocities. They have their own island :D

The Powershift in Steve's '12 Ford Focus killed it's TCM (under warranty!) > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 17:02

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You know what you did wrong, Crosstour? You weren’t a wagon. The have been waves of jacked up wagons over the years, some of which have been runaway hits (Outback) or at least cult classics.

You? You were an uglier Accord on stilts that was somehow no more useful than a sedan.

I get it. You were born this way. You can’t change yourself. But can you really blame a world that wanted something, and were given something uglier and less practical? You were a tease, a glimpse of what could have been, but never came to be. You were doomed from the start.

You have my pity, but you’ll never have my love.

RT > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 17:04

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GM Saabs were still ok cars, they just weren’t proper rivals for Ze Germans.

That being said, the last 9-5 is a really good-looking car even today.

But for real, do these cars belong on the same island as the old Pacifica?

I’d say there’s a bit of an age and relevance gap myself.

The average Sonett owner probably doesn’t know of the Mazda MPV now.

Makoyouidiot > Ash78, voting early and often 01/08/2018 at 17:33

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The ZDX was hawt tho.

Eury - AFRICA TWIN!!!!!!! > Ash78, voting early and often 01/09/2018 at 03:38

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My dad has one of these, in old person stuck in the 80s light teal. God it’s ugly, that infotainment is garbage, and it’s no where near as comfortable, doesn’t hold anywhere near as much or get the mileage of my Outback. Also, the AWD feels weird, in snow I can feel the fronts spin for a second before the rear decides to join the party.

However, the big girl drives great and can really hustle. He used to live on the Hudson about an hour north of NYC and one time I flew in and had to borrow his car to go to a job interview in the city. That Crosstour (his even says Accord since it’s a first year car) was great on those tight mountain roads by the house. I was really moving because I was running behind and enjoyed driving it.

It strikes me that they could have really had something if they had continued to refine and evolve it to a more conventional wagon style, maybe with more of a slope than a traditional wagon, but a longer roof profile than the Crosstour had. My dad bought it to replace a long line of Saabs from the 900 to 9000 then 9-3, abandoning Saab when they lost the hatch. I guess it’s kinda a successor, although it’s just not as roomy back there as the old Saabs. I told him to get an Outback and remind of that everytime we need to put something in my car because it doesn’t fit in his, but he says he’ll never own a wagon. Must be a generational thing.

Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura > Ash78, voting early and often 01/09/2018 at 17:43

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I mean, the Solara itself had 8-9 years to prosper, and... It didn’t.

Ash78, voting early and often > Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura 01/09/2018 at 18:46

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I still see them everywhere...at least in relative proportion to the Camry.